This is going to be a weird one – so try and stay with me to the end.
Today, June 16th 2020, marks the 2-year anniversary Mo and I celebrated our engagement party with over a 100 of our friends and family at The Old Mill in Toronto, Canada, and the 1-year anniversary we decided to end our 4.5-year relationship.
It’s also about the time we had planned to get married THIS year (LMAO), and if a global pandemic isn’t a sign we shouldn’t be getting married then IDK what would be.
I’m bringing this to attention because, besides the mild hilarity at dodging a Covid- wedding, I think it’s important to acknowledge that getting married should never be any one’s end goal for finding longevity, stability, or happiness in their life. It should be something chosen freely simply because you get excited at the prospect of seeing that person every day you can for the rest of your life.
Mo and I have been best friends practically since the day we met that faithful night on a beach on Jeju Island, South Korea, when my firework exploded out the wrong end, shooting through a crowd of people, almost hitting Mo in the face (sorry, not sorry?). And despite the breakup, we are still best friends to this day. We loved each other so much, we fought harder than either of us have ever fought to stay together, but the reality is, we were never meant to stay together forever. All relationships require effort, and there are times more effort will be required than usual, but not all incompatibilities are insurmountable, and not all compromises should be made.
Currently pushing 30, I often worry about those eager to get married simply BECAUSE they are or almost are 30. Questions run through my head like, “What’s the rush?” “Do you even really know them? Do you even know yourself?” and “How happy are you really outside social media?” Because despite the many magical moments in my engagement, in the days leading up to the end, I would sit and look at our relationship online and think to myself, “Man, I want THAT relationship. We have everyone fooled, even ourselves, how happy we are.” The truth was, neither of us were really and truly happy.
But this is not a post about airing out our dirty laundry, nor will it ever be. This is a post about making sure we all find ourselves with the right person, and that it is totally okay to leave, be alone, and not tick every box in the “Adult Check-List for Life” by the imaginary deadline many of us call 30.
I followed the checklist (mostly) by working hard, making sacrifices, believing it would lead me to a lifetime of happiness and satisfaction. I earned my required degrees, got straight A’s, travelled in my early 20's, chased a career I loved, found myself a partner who wanted to grow old with me, called my family once a week, exercised, ate my vegetables, drank 8 glasses of water per day, slept 8 hours (most days) – and I was miserable, broke, directionless, and had absolutely no idea WTF to do with my life.
When Mo and I decided to break-up, I burned my Adult Check-List, picked up the pieces of my life I had left, and decided to strike out on my own with no game plan other than to just start over wherever felt right and figure it out as I went.
I could not have made a better choice.
Life shouldn’t be about the end goals, checking all the boxes, winning all the awards/promotions, making all the monies, and looking the best you can all the time. It should be about what’s going on right NOW in your life. Are you happy with everything that’s currently going on? Are you certain the sacrifices you are making right now to reach your goals are worth the payout? If not, what’s your plan to make sure those sacrifices are worth the struggles you are currently facing? And if they aren’t – are you sure you should be making those choices? How could you choose differently to bring a little more joy or balance into your life?
Ending an engagement/marriage, cutting a degree short, making a sudden and dramatic career change, removing toxic people from your life (no matter how deeply embedded they maybe), leaving home, moving abroad, burning the rule book – these all may sound risky and scary, because the unknown IS scary, but that doesn’t mean they are the wrong thing to do if they will get you closer to what really makes you happy. But to know what will really make you happy requires knowing yourself inside and out, your greatest desires, your strengths and weaknesses, your boundaries, your deepest darkest fears/dreams, and your self-worth.
Starting over takes time. For some people, discovering yourself can involve one or more new partners, for me, it’s spending A LOT of time alone, trying a lot of things I’ve resisted, and surrounding myself with every type of interesting, inspiring, and kind person I can find (even if I totally disagree with all their viewpoints) and really listening to everything they have to say. I’m still figuring it out, but every month I get a bit closer to sorting through what really matters the most to me, what I can and cannot live with, and designing a life I love where I chose what’s best for me, and me alone. This may sound selfish, but if any of us are ever going to do great things and be there to support those around us, we have to make sure we put on our mask first (get it?).
I hope this post, with its many nuggets of unsolicited advice, finds you in good spirits, full health, and clean hands. I hope you all find happiness in whatever life choices you have made for yourself, single, or together.
Much love – Jess
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